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Are you feeling overwhelmed by your child's intense needs?
But how
much intense parenting they need, possibly including frequent
nursing, in the second year depends for the most part on their
inborn timetable for emotional development. As parents we can
slow down emotional growth by leaving needs unmet. But there is
nothing extra we can do to speed it up. ...your investment in
your toddler who seems to be 'always attached' will pay off when
the time for independence does come.
-- Norma Jane Bumgarner in "Mothering
Your Nursing Toddler"
Older babies and toddlers can get really clingy at times. Sometimes
it seems as if your child has been nursing all day (or all night),
or has been clinging to your leg all day long (even when you go
to the bathroom) and you really just need a break.
These "velcro days" usually have a cause (even if we only know
after the fact): teething, illness, a developmental advance. But
even when you know the reason behind a clingy episode, it can still
be very frustrating, particularly if you had something you expected
to get done or if you were simply anticipating some time to yourself.
Do know that each of us gets overwhelmed from time to time. Remember
- these moments pass, even though it may seem like forever when
you're in the middle of one of these days.
I've gathered a few tips for dealing with these "velcro"
days, but I'd like to get your suggestions and experiences, too.
Please e-mail me
with your comments, and I'll include them here.
- If your child is being particularly clingy and you're having
a hard time dealing with it, take her outside for a while (or
to the park, to the store, etc.). The change of scene will do
both of you good.
- If you feel that your child is under your feet all the time
when you're trying to get things done around the house, have her
help out. Toddlers love to help, and they can do things like fold
small towels or diapers, dry dishes, sweep with a small broom,
help set the table, wipe the counter, etc. It might take a little
more time, but it can make things less frustrating for both of
you and it's also a learning experience for your toddler.
- Referencing some books
on child development can help you figure out expectations
for your child at each particular age. I like the Barron's Educational
Series Keys to Parenting titles and the classic series
by Ames and Ilg, Your x Year Old. Just look around wherever
you see parents and children together and you'll see so many active
misconceptions about what children are capable of doing and what
they need to be doing at each stage. Where have our ideas come
from? What are our assumptions? Are they reasonable? My oldest
son was fully 2 years old before he ever sat still and played
by himself. After more than a year of waiting, wishing, wanting
20 minutes to myself, when he finally sat and played for one hour
nonstop I was so stunned that I "wasted" the entire
hour watching him! -- Anita
- Some children will kick, move around, grab at your face, and
so on, while nursing. This can get old, especially if they are
nursing very often, and can also hurt mom. Most older babies can
understand (and accept) it when you tell her that she needs to
be still if she wants to nurse. See this article for more on nursing
manners.
- If your child is having a major clingy day and it's driving
you crazy, plan to get some time to yourself after your partner
gets home. Have him take over with the kids, and either go out
for a bit (take a walk, go shopping, work out) or take a child-free
break at home (take a nap, read a book, take a bath).
- Many parents have bedtime struggles. As far as bedtime, we've
never tried to institute anything formal with our babies. As with
nursing, eating, using the potty, etc., we pretty much let them
regulate their own needs. My toddler always tells me when he is
tired and ready to climb into bed - and he hasn't skipped a night
yet! This is stress free for all parties and works for us. Because
of kindergarten, my older son does have a pretty regular routine
of bath, story/backrub, bed, but the sequence is more important
than the hour. With him, we have found that playtime or TV between
bath and bed is not a good idea because it energizes his body
and imagination. -- Anita
- Be good to yourself. Eat well, drink your water, get physical
outside and aim for more R&R when the going is especially
rough. Find some time in your day - even if it is just for a few
minutes, even if you have a baby at the breast - to practice some
relaxation breathing.
Then count your blessings and try to get a mental picture of what
you want your relationship with your children to look like in
the long run. Often our own childhood stuff keeps playing in our
head. I recommend Harville Hendrix' Giving
the Love That Heals for some thought-provoking reading
on conscious parenting. Anyways, get a picture and then you can
begin to decide what you want to do. No one else can do that for
you. -- Anita
- Those around us - spouse, family, friends - are usually influencing
our relationship with our children by their support or lack thereof.
Is our stress with our children really rooted in one of our other
relationships? Are we getting the physical and emotional support
we need/want to handle our mothering responsibilities? Are we
getting the respect and warm fuzzies we feel we deserve? Are we
putting too much on our to-do list? Are we giving ourselves over
to others who have great needs? Has our stay-at-home status diminished
our self-esteem or increased our financial burden? Have economics
or the demands of attachment parenting lead us to give up social
activities or contacts?
If we trust that our baby - not us, not the doctor, grandma, neighbor,
friend, but the baby - is the only one that knows how much they
need from us, then it's important to look at these other factors.
-- Anita
- Only you can determine what your limits are and what you want/need
to do for your children and yourself. When we are pushed past
our personal limits, many of us experience resentment and anger.
I think our children pick up on this and feel threatened. During
these times, my children turn all of their energy toward keeping
my attention on them. Many moms have found that this sort of thing
can happen (for example) during phone calls and when they are
attempting weaning. When I stop, take a deep breath and totally
surrender my whole self, body and soul, to my boys, they're usually
pretty quick to let go and get on with their business. If they
don't, it doesn't matter because by that time I am totally relaxed
and focused on them and not on the stressful stuff outside our
relationship. -- Anita
- From a post to ParentsPlace.com on nursing
clingy toddlers:
I have
a 2.5-year-old son that just can't get enough. There are days
that he will nurse every five minutes. Thank God there are
other days that he will not nurse for eight to ten hours.
He eats like a horse and drinks more water than I do. His
requirements are just enormous.
There
are times when I just can't stand it anymore. Like today,
he has been nursing all day! Everytime I sit down there he
is there sucking away. I had to have a break for a bit so
I came into the lovely gated computer room for a bit. There
are other times though when it doesn't bother me at all. Then
there are times that I am incredibly thankful for all the
time that he nurses. My point is that I have discovered that
these are my hang ups and my feelings not his. I am the adult
and I should be the one with impulse control and the ability
to be patient so that my son can have what he needs. He is
the one who is the most important in the equation. This does
not mean that I neglect myself. What this means is that I
really try to follow his rhythm. If he needs to nurse, we
nurse. When he is in the stages of not needing to nurse as
much I take full advantage and do many of the things that
I need to do to revitalize myself. He really does wax and
wane and that's what I try to remember whenever I am feeling
suffocated.
The other
thing that I try to remind myself of is that he will be this
way for a very short time. In a few short years he'll be embarrassed
to have me around. This is such a special time with him and
I want to take full advantage. We all want to seem to wish
it away, make it go faster and then when it passes we are
sad.
Hang in
there it will get better. If you have never been to a LLL
meeting you may try it. It is extraordinarily helpful to be
in the presence of moms that are nursing toddlers when you
are. It is great to have someone to vent to because I think
that we have all probably felt the way that you are feeling
now. -- Amy
- From a post to ParentsPlace.com, some thoughts for anyone
in the Breastfeeding-a-Toddler-Barracuda Boat:
Feeling
stuck? It's hard to believe toddlers grow out of this, but
they do! I've met some breastfeeding toddlers who are content
to nurse just at bedtimes or other limited situations. Mine
was definitely not one of them! Especially as she approached
two years of age, I could only describe her breastfeeding
pattern as voracious!
Sometimes
(often) I would feel overwhelmed; mostly, I became worried
that I had "created a monster," that she would never,
never wean. I would be forever at the mercy of this tantruming,
guzzling beastie. Well, I was wrong.
Amazingly,
and without me changing a blessed thing, my daughter began
a serious trend to weaning at about two-and-a-half. She began
sleeping through the night without "help." She accepted
negotiation re: breastfeeding times and places pretty calmly.
And the length of her feedings shortened dramatically. She's
still breastfeeding at almost-4, but it's so minimal that
it's no problem; in fact, it's now just a lovely and easy
connection that I'm often relieved to call on (when she's
heading for meltdown).
I have
two thoughts for anyone in the Breastfeeding-a-Toddler-Barracuda
Boat:
- Try,
try, try to believe that your child will actually grow up.
I know, you look at her and see that gaping mouth growing
bigger and bigger and you wonder how you're going to practice"don't
offer, don't refuse" with a teenager. Look hard at the
little independencies your child is accomplishing and tell
yourself (out loud helps) that she will grow up. Because she
will; it's guaranteed.
- Try to
discern the one thing that drives you the farthest up the
wall right now. If it's lo-o-o-o-o-ong feedings, try counting
to twenty to time the sessions (count slow on good days, fast
on stressful days). If it's waking at night, go hog-wild on
daytime nursings as you try to limit nighttime feeds. If it's
breastfeeding in public, have a round at home before you hit
the mall. You get the idea ... Once you know what your particular
hot-spot is, ask for suggestions from other mums. They've
been there. Breastfeeding a walking, talking demanding little
person can be very overwhelming and I've found that when mums
of breastfeeding toddlers get stressed (myself most definitely
included) we tend to blame the breastfeeding. After all, our
doctors, relatives, and neighbors think it's downright weird,
so it must be the problem, eh? Then we formulate a plan: "That's
it. I can't take this anymore. I'm weaning. Today." Sometimes
all we need is to pinpoint the one thing that will give us
a leeeetle respite. Amazingly, with just a little room to
breathe, we often rediscover the joy of these special times.
Of course,
the decision to continue or to wean involves two people. And
if mum is feeling resentful or at the mercy of her child even
after trying to make smaller changes, maybe weaning is the best
choice.
For myself,
I made the decision to continue because the very intensity
of my daughter's attachment convinced me that she needed this
very much; more than I needed my space. I also thought that
if I wasn't nurturing with breastfeeding, I'd still be doing
it some other way. And I really didn't want this lovely relationship
to end with struggles and tears.
I remember
the moment when my daughter asked for her own bed and I finally
felt, in my gut, that she really would grow up. I wish I could
bottle that feeling and pass it out to every mother breastfeeding
a toddler. -- Sydney
| Additional links
on parenting older babies and toddlers: |
- Caring
for a Toddler from the Kidz are People, Too web site. Articles
on sleep, bathtime, potty training, discipline and more.
- Child
Development from Babycenter.com
- Discipline
and Behavior articles from AskDrSears.com
- Gentle
Discipline A number of great articles from Parentingweb.com.
- Living
With Children articles from the Natural Child Project
- Naomi
Aldort Library from The Natural Child Project. There are some
wonderful articles about parenting toddlers here, including "Surviving
the Toddler Years" and "Toddlers: To Tame or to Trust."
Naomi Aldort is a family counselor who works with parents and
educators in many countries.
Page last modified:
01/04/2006
Written: 05/27/98
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