A worried
mother asks, “Today at our play group my son
BIT my friend’s daughter! My friend acted like it was
a normal childhood problem, and told me not to worry about
it, but I’m horrified! Why did my son do this? How can
I prevent it from happening again?”
Learn about it
Your friend has obviously had some experience with toddlers,
and she knows that biting a playmate is common in this age
group (perhaps her daughter has already been on the other
side of the action.) Toddlers don’t have the words to
describe their emotions, they don’t quite know how to
control their feelings, and they don’t have any concept
of hurting another person. When a toddler bites a friend,
it most likely isn’t an act of aggression: It is simply
an immature way of trying to get a point across, experimentation
with cause and effect, or playfulness gone awry.
What not to do about biting
Many parents respond emotionally when their toddler uses
his teeth on another human being; their immediate response
is anger, followed by punishment. This is because we view
the act from an adult perspective. However, if we can understand
that a toddler bite is most likely a responsive reflex, we
can avoid responding in the following typical, yet unnecessary
and ineffective ways:
- Don’t bite your child back to “show
him how it feels.” He isn’t purposefully hurting
his playmate. He doesn’t understand that what he did
is wrong, so by responding with the same action you may
actually be reinforcing that this is an acceptable behavior,
or confusing him entirely.
- Don’t assume that your child is willfully
misbehaving. The ways that you’ll treat these behaviors
in an older child, who understands that biting is wrong,
will be different than how you will approach this with a
toddler.
- Don’t yell at your toddler. This will do
nothing more than scare her; it won’t teach her anything
about what she’s just done.
What to do about biting
When you understand that your child’s actions are normal,
and that they aren’t intentional misbehavior, you will
be able to take the right steps to teach her how to communicate
her anger and frustration. This takes time, and she’ll
need more than one lesson. Here’s how to teach your
child not to bite:
- Watch and intercept
As you become familiar with your toddler’s actions,
you may be able to stop a bite even before it even occurs.
If you see that your child is getting frustrated or angry
– perhaps in the middle of a tussle over a toy –
step in and redirect her attention to something else.
- Teach
Immediately after your toddler bites another child, look
her in the eye and tell her in one or two short sentences
what you want her to know, such as, “Biting hurts.
We don’t bite. Give Emmy a hug now. That will make
her feel better.” Then, give your child a few hints
on how she should handle her frustration next time; “If
you want a toy, you can ask for it or come to Mommy for
help.”
- Avoid playful biting
Nibbling your little one’s toes or playfully nipping
his fingers sends a mixed message to your child. A little
one won’t understand when biting another person is
okay and when it’s not, nor is she able to judge the
pressure she’s putting into the bite. As she gets
a little older, she will start to understand that some things
can be done carefully and gently in play, but not in anger.
This takes a little more maturity to understand - more than
you can expect your toddler to have at her young age.
- Give more attention to the injured
child
Typically, we put all our energy into correcting the biter’s
actions and we don’t give the child who was bitten
any consolation. Soothing the child who was bitten can show
your child that his actions caused another child fear or
pain. You can even encourage your child to help sooth his
friend.
- The repeat offender
If you’ve gone though the above steps, and then your
child bites again, you can respond with a little more intensity.
If you catch him in the act, immediately go to him. Take
him by the shoulders, look him in the eye, and firmly announce,
“No biting: time-out.” Direct him to a chair
and have him sit for a minute or two. It doesn’t take
very long for your message to sink in. (And, with a toddler,
a longer time-out can dilute the message as he may actually
forget why he’s sitting there!)
If you miss the action, but are told about it later, you
can have a talk with your child about what happened. Limit
yourself to a few brief, specific comments, as a lengthy lecture
is almost never effective. A child who bites a playmate more
than once may need more guidance on how to handle frustration
and anger. Reading toddler books on the topic, role-playing,
and demonstration of appropriate actions can all help your
child learn how to respond to his own emotions in socially
appropriate ways.
First aid
Although the risk of injury from a toddler's bite is small,
it’s good to know what to do in case of a bite that
breaks through the skin:
- Calm and reassure the child who was bitten.
- Wash your hands with soap and water.
- Wash the wound with mild soap and water.
- Cover the injury with a bandage.
- If the bite is actively bleeding, control the bleeding
by applying direct pressure with a clean, dry cloth.
- Call your pediatrician for advice.
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