| “Help!
I’m getting so frustrated with the endless stream of
advice I get from my mother-in-law and brother! No matter
what I do, I’m doing it wrong. I love them both, but
how do I get them to stop dispensing all this unwanted advice?”
Just as your baby is an important part of your life, he is
also important to others. People who care about your baby
are bonded to you and your child in a special way that invites
their counsel. Knowing this may give you a reason to handle
the interference gently, in a way that leaves everyone’s
feelings intact.
Regardless of the advice, it is your baby, and in
the end, you will raise your child the way that you think
best. So it’s rarely worth creating a war over a well-meaning
person’s comments. You can respond to unwanted advice
in a variety of ways:
Listen first
It’s natural to be defensive if you feel that someone
is judging you; but chances are you are not being criticized;
rather, the other person is sharing what they feel to be valuable
insight. Try to listen - you may just learn something valuable.
Disregard
If you know that there is no convincing the other person
to change her mind, simply smile, nod, and make a non-committal
response, such as, “Interesting!” Then go about
your own business... your way.
Agree
You might find one part of the advice that you agree with.
If you can, provide wholehearted agreement on that topic.
Pick your battles
If your mother-in-law insists that Baby wear a hat on your
walk to the park, go ahead and pop one on his head. This won’t
have any long-term effects except that of placating her. However,
don’t capitulate on issues that are important to you
or the health or well-being of your child.
Steer clear of the topic
If your brother is pressuring you to let your baby cry to
sleep, but you would never do that, then don’t complain
to him about your baby getting you up five times the night
before. If he brings up the topic, then distraction
is definitely in order, such as, “Would you like a cup
of coffee?”
Educate yourself
Knowledge is power; protect yourself and your sanity by reading
up on your parenting choices. Rely on the confidence that
you are doing your best for your baby.
Educate the other person
If your “teacher” is imparting information that
you know to be outdated or wrong, share what you’ve
learned on the topic. You may be able to open the other person’s
mind. Refer to a study, book, or report that you have read.
Quote a doctor
Many people accept a point of view if a professional has
validated it. If your own pediatrician agrees with your position,
say, “My doctor said to wait until she’s at least
six months before starting solids.” If your own
doctor doesn’t back your view on that issue, then refer
to another doctor - perhaps the author of a baby care book.
Be vague
You can avoid confrontation with an elusive response. For
example, if your sister asks if you’ve started potty
training yet (but you are many months away from even starting
the process), you can answer with, “We’re moving
in that direction.”
Ask for advice!
Your friendly counselor is possibly an expert on a few issues
that you can agree on. Search out these points and invite
guidance. She’ll be happy that she is helping you, and
you’ll be happy you have a way to avoid a showdown about
topics that you don’t agree on.
Memorize a standard response
Here’s a comment that can be said in response to almost
any piece of advice: “This may not be the right way
for you, but it’s the right way for me.”
Be honest
Try being honest about your feelings. Pick a time free of
distractions and choose your words carefully, such as, “I
know how much you love Harry, and I’m glad you spend
so much time with him. I know you think you’re helping
me when you give me advice about this, but I’m comfortable
with my own approach, and I’d really appreciate if you’d
understand that.”
Find a mediator
If the situation is putting a strain on your relationship
with the advice-giver, you may want to ask another person
to step in for you.
Search out like-minded friends
Join a support group or on-line club with people who share
your parenting philosophies. Talking with others who are raising
their babies in a way that is similar to your own can give
you the strength to face people who don’t understand
your viewpoints.
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